Reality Rally

(Pictured above: Gillian and her family)

Do NOT take yourself out of your family picture because you ignored yourself  and your health.

Kendra, Gillian’s daughter, Founder of Reality Rally, Michelle’s Place fundraiser and advocate, yells out this message far and wide.  

“Have you ever noticed that the universe continues to try to teach you the same lesson over and over again until you actually learn that lesson?

Over two years ago, in my “This is 40” blog, I talked about the importance of not ignoring the problems in your life. I believe the sentence went something like this…“from the lump in your breast to that lump on your couch.” Well, here we are a few years later and I had ignored a problem. This actually goes back even further than that. Right after I turned 39 I decided I was going to take care of my medical check-up’s because I am normally terrible about that. I had been having some achiness in my left breast so I mentioned that to my doctor when I went in.

He checked it out, said it was fine and my mammogram also came back normal. On and off over the next three years, the discomfort continued on and off but year after year, I missed my mammogram. At the end of 2015, I realized it was way beyond time to go and get a full physical including mammogram. I don’t know the exact reason why I let nearly 3 years pass by? Busy? Assumed all was fine? Lazy? Didn’t want to miss work? I’m sure I could come up with a million excuses but none of those change the obvious truth, I did not go again when I needed to.

When I made my physical for a week before Christmas, the thought briefly crossed my mind, what if I get bad news as Christmas arrives? But, I told myself I was going, no matter what. I went in, gave my list of complaints and she checked them all and gave me my orders for my mammogram. I set the appointment for 1/2/16, the best way to start a new year, knowing I was healthy. As I walked out of the imaging center, my step was lighter knowing I was taking the first steps to a healthier me. Never did I expect to receive a call a few days later as I stood inside a children’s art class surrounded by paint, play dough and crafts.

As I listened to the message, I naturally feared the worst. I stepped outside into the bright January day and returned the call where the woman at the other end of the phone confirmed that my mammogram had been abnormal. She instructed me to come in to get the referral for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound and to make the appointment. I gathered my sweet little lady that spends each weekday with me and headed to the office. When I called to make the appointment, the earliest one was nearly a month away. Dear God, I thought to myself, how can I wait that long? And, why did I wait three years to get another mammogram? While I knew I could not go backwards in time to rectify it, I couldn’t help but kick myself! SO STUPID!!!

I called the doctor’s office back and asked if they could get me in sooner. They told me the doctor didn’t feel it was urgent and that 2/1/16 would be fine. While this seemed like it could be good news, the doctor really didn’t know what was in my left breast so I wasn’t very confident. I set an alarm on my phone and stalked the imaging center daily on the phone in case there was a cancellation. I turned on my problem solving, single momma ain’t gonna die mode and thought of everything I could do to better my situation. I contacted the previous GYN who had done my examine and talked further with him about his examine and the results of my previous mammogram. I also obtained the name of the previous imaging center and contacted them. They assured me they would send me a copy of my old images and that I would receive them within 5 days. (Of course, like anyone who suffers from health anxiety, I scoured the internet for all possible scenarios. Some made me feel better, some made me feel worse.)

When I received the records, I took them into the new imaging center hoping the comparison would satisfy their concerns and I would be released from the worry. The lovely lady at the center called me back within the day and very sweetly thanked me for bringing in the images but that the doctor would still like to see me. F%&#! Why?  Not only that, but they can miraculously now see me the following day. That cannot be good, I thought to myself. I can’t even remember if I cried again. I had cried a lot over those prior few weeks as I feared the worst. Of course, I didn’t want cancer, but I know how strong I am and that I can fight like hell when necessary so it wasn’t actually having cancer that scared me the most. It was the fact that I had let three years pass between tests and if I did have something growing inside me, the diagnosis could be catastrophic. I wasn’t as terrified of cancer as I was terrified of dying. (I know, my cart was about a million feet in front of the horse but I couldn’t help myself.) I could not handle the thought of leaving my kids behind me and how drastically that would alter their lives. They have already survived so many obstacles in the last 3 years and this was one that would so drastically alter the sweet little lives they deserve.

So, Thursday morning, my mom arrived to help get the boys off to school for me and my sister took Lily for me for the morning. I arrived at the imaging center at 8:15 sharp after nearly having to pull over multiple times to throw up. I felt sick. I knew that within an hour, my life could so very easily change. I walked past a banner in the hall that had notes to loved ones who had lost their battles with breast cancer. The center was filled with other women, all waiting to be taken through the doors and change into the short, little pink tops to have their boobs squashed and checked. They were running about 15 minutes behind so I tried to distract myself with the latest copy of US weekly. They finally called my name and the name of another.

We walked down the hallway and were given our instructions. The other woman was told to change into the top, put her items in the locker and go sit in the chairs in the hallway. These had been my instructions last time. This time, I was instructed to put my belongings in the bag provided so that I could carry my items to the ultrasound that would follow my mammogram. I was taken into the mammogram room first. The tiny, little blond technician was older than me and incredibly sweet and reassuring. As I asked questions, she confirmed she couldn’t say much but encouraged me to come over to the screen and see what they were concerned about. She had two images. One of my old mammogram and one of my new one. She pointed out the white spot on the right that was causing them concern. Then, we carried on with the images.

A mammogram really isn’t that bad. At this point in my life, I don’t really care about modesty. I figure they have seen their fair share of boobs in their line of work. So, she positioned things accordingly, squeezed the plate tightly and took the pictures she needed. I thanked her for being so good at her job then headed back to the chairs in the hallway. I was quickly whisked away to ultrasound for my next test. I laid down on the table and wished for the baby ultrasounds that were once a part of my life. She put the gel on the left breast and gently started her investigation. After a few minutes and lots of deep breaths (on my part), she finished.

She told me she would go and share her findings with the doctor. I don’t even remember what was going through my head at that point as I laid in the dimly lit room with nothing but my thoughts and fears. The doctor entered the room, another lovely lady with a beautiful accent and she asked, “how are you?” My response, “you tell me.” She told me she would once she performed an ultrasound herself. Finally the moment of truth arrived.

She told me that it was clear! That spot must have been some tissue that was balled up and as the extra pictures (and squeezes) were taken, it was smoothed out so there was no longer a spot. She told me to come back annually and I assured her and promised myself that I would. After she left, I laid on the table, took some deep breathes, thanked God and the universe and cried tears of relief.

I left the office after casting away the pink little top that I wouldn’t have to wear for another year and headed down the stairs. I found a chair by the front door and started texting those that were waiting for my results. As I sat their typing, a woman walked in through the doors with her head covered in the beginnings of new hair. It was not lost on me, that at some point, she had been in my shoes. She had gotten a call that her mammogram was abnormal, she had had to come in for a follow-up but she didn’t get the same “all clear” that I had. She had been given the news I was dreading. I gave thanks again and hoped the best for her and every other woman who wasn’t as fortunate as me.

I share this very long story with all of you as a cautionary tale. I know I am not the only one who has let time go by between the necessary annual tests and appointments that we should all be attending. Knowledge is power and we need to all remember that. Not everyone will be so lucky to receive good news but those who receive bad news will be so much better off if issues haven’t been left untreated for years and years. Make that call tomorrow, do better for yourself so that in turn you will be alive and healthy not only for yourself but for those around you. For those of you I know who have received that dreaded news, I am so happy that you are healthy now and that you are a survivor! I have thought about each of you a lot in the last few weeks. When I was in the thick of my worry, my sister left me this little bouquet on my doorstep. I continued to look at the little message and convince myself to have faith. That wasn’t always easy and while faith is important, it is most important to take care of your health in as many ways as you can. Without our health, without life, we have nothing.” - Kendra

Thank you so much for sharing with us, Kendra. It’s not just a helpful lesson--it’s a lifesaving one!

-Taryn Murphy